Why Symptom Checkers are Evil, Evil Things

… To a paranoid over-analyzer by the name of Mimi.

Oh, to be a girl. While it’s easier to get free stuff and get out of moving violations, some things about womanhood suck. To enliven your morning, take this little slice of girl life and have a good chuckle. Or bite your knuckles in suspenseful terror.

To examples of womanly suckage are hormones and birth control. The easiest way to correct my weird hormones was to go on a very low dose birth control. Hunky dory. No side effects…except one minor annoyance that some of you who take really low dose birth control can probably guess at. A couple of weeks ago, my ob-gyn switched me to Ocella.

Let our mystery noire begin.

A couple of days ago, Mimi realized that her strange attitude was more than the stress of moving into her apartment and fighting leasing agents. La preuve:

- Morning upset stomach

- Random munchies

- Spikes of emotion

- Cramping / lower back pain

- Spouts of uncalled for bitchiness

(PMS? Not pour moi–I don’t get PMS or menstrual cramps. I attribute it to my clean diet and exercise, since I used to get them in high school.)

But Mimi was on the case! Following her grandma’s sage advice on food combining (Natalia Rose must’ve stolen it!) brought some tummy relief, but the rapidly vanishing pint of  Ben & Jerry’s saw no pause. Clearly, things were out of sorts!

Using savvy detective skills, she tracked down a higher authority. An online symptom checker.

Oh why, why Mimi? So prone to paranoia and overthinking and melodramatics! Like a blind treasure hunter, she totalled up her symptoms. The cold, unfeeling answer?

La prégnance.

Cue shattering glass, exploding lights, and many a broken chair. In her mind, of course. Cue colorful dialogue throughout the afternoon, such as…

- “No Dad, the fucking Hobbit Cafe is on motherfucking Richmond not motherfucking Shepherd!”

- “Stop spoiling True Blood and get on fucking Yelp for me!!!”

- “Yeah I’m fine, because funky-ass hormones are a total party in my ovaries!”

Would you believe TV saved her life? Salvation fluttered in on one of those Yasmin and Ocella are evil and will kill you commercials. Suddenly, a metaphorical bag of bricks crash-landed right in dear Mimi’s lap. Rushing to her computer, she Googled “Ocella side effects.”

The resounding roar heard all the way in the leasing office:

“DAMN YOU OCELLA!!!”

Assurance in her second diagnosis came on two winds–a call to her ob-gyn and then forgetting to take her pill the next morning. Which, for you experienced ladies, you know the…dam-like effects of.

Sorry B&J’s, you were sacrificed on my altar of misfire contraceptives.

Thus ends our penny dreadful.

In epilogue, I will be switching to a different, lower-dose b/c again. I’d consider going off the bastards entirely, but the…security given to certain recreational activities is one that does have its advantages. Not that I’m a doxy or anything.

Until I can get the prescription switched, I’m trying to keep myself from being too snappy and trying to avoid the morning bouts of random, depthless munchy-dom I get. Or break out a bag of carrots. My sister has yelled at me since she wanted to reserve a bag for the horses. Nope. My pseudo-PMSery comes first.

Speaking of monter à cheval, I had my first riding lesson in a frickin long-ass time yesterday! Last time I rode (during one of my sister’s lessons) my sister fell off and broke her arm. This was my first real lesson since I was in high school. So lovely! I asked the owner if I would get to jump.

She readily said yes, in a lesson or two, and commented that she was really impressed how strong my form was, after not having seriously ridden in 4 years. I guess it’s because I work out, so my core and back are fairly strong. I am sooore today though. And it’s kind of funny…last time I took lessons, I weighed a lot more. It’s strange getting used to my butt no longer being a shock absorber. Now I get why people complain of sore bottoms after a long ride.

I miss jumping so much. Back in the day, I was tacking 3’6″ jumps and showing in hunter-jumper.

In other news…

- Gamer gals, get Red Dead Redemption. It’s every indulgence in Western fantasy.

- TV-lovers, watch True Blood. The third season starts soon and the first two are crack brilliant. It’s nothing like that wussy-ass Twilight garbage. This is for the girls who grew up on Buffy and Christopher Pike novels.

Nope, sparkle-free

- Farm-fresh raw goat cheese…there are no words. Except that I love farmers markets.

Kitchen Foolery

My dad loved the raw vegan cheesecake. I gave him two slices but he ate both after he had lunch at the Hobbit Cafe. Which was indeed on Richmond. Clearly, my dad and I have different food preferences.

The Valinor. My feast also had brown rice sautéed with sundried tomatoes, but it was hidden under the veggie attack. I’m not usually a tofu person but one of my best friends recommended it. It also came with avocado. Yum.

Averie also inspired my to try her dark chocolate snowballs, cuz my dad is a coconut whore.

Those poor snowballs. After my dad, stepmother, mom, and sister stopped by my apartment, my 12-ball batch was history. Luckily I ferreted away a few for myself. I have to say though, they came out really well. The chocolate was super dark and cheek-nipping–just how I love dark chocolate desserts.

I also wrangled some really cheap acorn squash. Dang, this darling is underrated. I half-assed it and popped it in the microwave and it was still a gooey, delicious boat of squashy brilliance. I mixed one half with walnuts, cinnamon, cloves, and agave…

And the other half with my pantry clean-out mish mash, very loosely inspired by Philip McClusky’s Not So Big Mac recipe. My mish mash had mushrooms, onion, almond butter, carrots, soy sauce, mesquite liquid smoke, nooch, spices, apple cider vinegar, and garlic. It looked like vomit but tasted really good–great mix of nutty, tangy, and sweet. I topped it with pistachios!

There has been a lot of talk about seasonal fruits and veggies. One thing that struck me at my last trip to the farmers market were some farmers selling winter squashes. I asked about it. Their response? “Yeah, we can sell winter squashes more cheaply in the summer because they aren’t as big.”

Yet another reason why “buying seasonally” is not so cut and dried.

Myself, when buying produce, I go for what’s cheapest, or if there’s one or two things I really really want. Often, cheap coincides with seasonal, but I don’t shop strictly seasonal. I mean, broccoli is awesome no matter what time of the year it is. Plus, depending on where you live, you can grow many vegetables out of season without too much trouble.

But I tend to naturally favor more fruit and whatnot in the summer, and fewer heavy dishes. I’m not the biggest fruit person, but come summer, apples and bananas beware.

Also…I have discovered California Dates. Ok, I feel bad now for rolling my eyes at all these “after-dinner dates” that some bloggies rave about. Dates + nut butter = awesome. Anyone ever try California dates? I actually liked it more than the medjool one I stole sampled at the supermarket.

Questions for the Peanut Gallery:

- Any wacky birth control stories? Anything you’ve done to ease side effects?

- How seasonally do you like to shop, if at all?

- Any particularly nibbles you buy regardless of season?

- What are your favorite kinds of dates? Best uses?